It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
