Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
