I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
