its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
