I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
