btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
