if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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