there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
