Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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