he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There's even glitter on my cock...
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