oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
