He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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