sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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