they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
