There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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