What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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