My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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