i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
