i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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