we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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