my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
