Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I deserve this hangover.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
