drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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