I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have demons in me.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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