I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm too high and old for this...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
