I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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