If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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