i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
