Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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