he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I am one with the molecules
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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