Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My feet surprised me
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