I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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