The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
