It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
