Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
