I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
