The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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