We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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