I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
