i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
