You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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