Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
