From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you had me at cake vodka
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
how does that bad decision feel?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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