i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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