Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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