she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
