Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
