I think I am morally bankrupt
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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