If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
