I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
