God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
