i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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