There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
