I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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