I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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