Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
