i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
