Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
